Friday, January 22, 2010

Let Go

So long has it been, since I was last able to sleep soundly through the night. The nightmares that once haunted only my dreams have begun to plague me while I’m awake as well. I shudder with fear at the thought of having to begin anew. I’ve become so accustomed to the way things are. Though it was probably a mistake to familiarize myself with the state of things at all, I am unwilling to give it all up now. I rather enjoy the feeling of a warm touch and being able to smile with ease. I am judged for what I have done, and for that, I worry, I may end up losing all that I’ve worked so hard to gain.

Is it so difficult to look beyond the choices of my past? Are you blind to the possibilities of what I may do in the future? It’s unfair of you to burden me with the mistakes I've made. All I want is to close my eyes and forget. I want to wake from another of my restless sleeps to find the slate wiped clean. Is a fresh start so much to ask? I am so tired of looking about me, and seeing the laughing, uncaring faces floating past, unable to join them. I am so frustrated in my own skin. I long to break away from myself.

Please, let go of what was Yesterday, and look to now. Let me live!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Childhood Memories

You sat there, ruling over your kingdom with your purple pony by your side. Princess of the food court. You were so blissfully unaware of the eyes that stared so blatantly in your direction. The plastic crown, placed so carefully on top of your curly, silver hair, sparkled in the fluorescent lighting, and you held yourself with such poise. Your outfit was put together with such care and precision. Every article you wore was perfectly color-coordinated in the softest lilac-ey purple. It suited you quite nicely. It brought the blue out in your eyes. You were reading the Chinese Horoscopes on the back of a take-out menu, ignoring the snide comments buzzing around you.

When I first noticed you, I was completely taken aback. At first, I was shocked and felt that your costume was inappropriate for your surroundings, but then I took a second look. Admittedly, I was among the staring eyes, but I was looking at you for a completely different reason. I did not see you as a freak of nature or childish in any way. Though strange to observe at first, I realized that you are everything I had longed to be as a child, and it was so wonderful to see the dream realized before my eyes. Though your body was aged, I saw in your eyes the child I used to be. Your mind, so innocent, allowed you to truly be the very thing that every little girl dreams of being: A Beautiful Princess. You opened my heart to the possibility of anything I desire coming to fruition...If only I believe it hard enough. You may have been sitting at the table by yourself, but you were not alone. The kid in me was right there beside you, holding your hand and making that purple plastic pony gallop across the crumb-strewn tale.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Power of a Promise

As I rushed by you this morning, on my way to work, you called out to me. All you wanted was someone to listen. I informed you that I was running too far behind schedule to stop for even a moment. You looked upset at this fact, but I kept moving. I was already late, as it was. As I neared the street corner, I called back to you, and offered the promise of my return. I begged of you to understand how imperative it was that I hurry on my way, but I gave you my word that I'd come back to hear the words you longed to speak.

Seven and a half hours later, I passed you again. The promise I had made to you had completely slipped my mind until I saw your face. As I was walking by, engrossed in a meaningless phone conversation, you smiled at me, and we both remembered. I paused in my tracks and informed the person on the other line that I would have to call them back. I walked over to you. Your face lit up as you recognized me from earlier that day. You didn't think I'd have taken the time to come back. I did. I knew how much it would mean to you for me to hear the thoughts in your head.

We talked for over an hour about this and that. I know it made your day, and because of that, mine, too, was brightened. You had the most fascinating stories. You spoke so eagerly of your travels and experiences. I never felt as though I was forcing myself to stay. You made it so easy to listen. I am so honored to know that I was able to help you---even in such a menial way. All it took was sixty minutes of my time...time I would have spent doing nothing.Though you thanked me at the end of it all, it is I who should be grateful to you. You taught me that even the smallest of gestures is enough to generate a smile and memories that will last a life thank you, dear stranger, for opening my eyes.

Friday, December 4, 2009

I Thank God For You

There is no doubting that our lives were intertwined far too quickly. Fate threw us together so haphazardly, leaving too little time to prepare for the things in store. The gaps between us should have remained unbridged for a little while longer, at least. Both of our worlds faced such a drastic upheaval, and we were catapulted into this wild roller-coaster ride that neither of us was ready for. I often see the pain of it all, clouding behind your eyes. There are times when the frustrations you face as a result of this crazy whirlwind cast a dreary shadow across your features. I know you fight hard to contain the emotions that threaten to drive you mad, and it goes without saying that you are all the more wonderful for trying so hard not to let me see them.

Despite the dire situation in which we find ourselves, you continue to remain true to your nature. You allow not the difficulties that were forced upon you to affect your genuine kindness and caring ways. You continue to be constant and compassionate through all of it. Although I am fully aware of how hard this has been on you, I must say that seeing your ability to handle this amount of adversity with such poise is humbling. Every day that passes, I see more of your strength, and it is rather inspiring. I can't even imagine the way you must be feeling. I can only caution a guess as to the magnitude of caged-ness you are enduring, yet not a day passes that you don't hold my hand in yours and continue to care.

I want you to know that what you've done, and continue to do, for me is so inexplicably appreciated. Though I don't show it nearly enough, you mean absolutely everything to me. Not one person in my entire life has shown me as much commiseration as you have. I know that all of this has been so overwhelming for you, and I can't possibly find the words to do justice to the amount of veneration I feel in regard to you. I thank God for every day that I continue to have you in my life. I don't know where I'd be without you, and I hope you can see how truly special you are. You gave chance where many would never have bothered. You're such an incredible, selfless person. Complicated or not, I wouldn't give it up for the world.

You're wonderful.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Baby: The Hate-Filled Moniker

I can't possibly begin to describe the disgust that flows through me upon the utterance of the nickname, Baby. It drives me absolutely insane. I detest it with every ounce of my being. Its meaning bears nothing but shame and bitter memories that have plagued me far too long. A cover-up of sorts, used only by the people that have hurt me most. Generally speaking, said only to make a sickening act of disloyalty seem superfluous. Though in reality, it only aided in strengthening the blow. When spoken in reference to me, I cannot help but to hold back not only tears of frustration and guilt, but also my gag reflex. It serves not as an endearing moniker (as per its definition), but as a kind of time machine, dredging up the memories that I spent far too long ignoring. With its every use, I think back to the instances of guilt and displeasure---to the days when I was entirely too lenient with my trust and too forthcoming with my love. It acts as a constant reminder that I was once a fool---that I gave far too many unwarranted second, third, fourth, and fifth chances to those who had never even deserved one.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Fading in Comparison

It’s strange how much I fear telling you the way I feel. I shouldn’t be so apprehensive about what your reaction may or may not be. Truth be told though, it’s not you that has me so afraid. It’s her. You can’t possibly begin to understand how much it hurts, knowing that I will never mean as much to you as she did. It hurts to think that I will never be good enough to erase all of the bad memories she left behind. I wish I could say the things that are so hard to put into words. I want so badly to be able to express it all to you---to tell you what is on my mind. I want nothing more than for you to know that my heart skips a beat every time you look my way and that my pulse races when your fingers caress my skin. I wish you knew that when you smile, all of the terrible things that this world plays host to just seem to disappear, and your laugh never fails to brighten my day. My knees weaken drastically when you kiss me, and I still get butterflies when you walk into the room. It saddens me to know that you will never be aware of any of the wonderful effects you have on me because she’s made me so afraid. It breaks my heart to know that I will never compare to her.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Dear Brother

Dear Brother,

You demand the impossible of me. I cannot stand by and watch your rapid self-deprecation as you have requested. You ask that I let you make your own mistakes, and though I understand your need for independent choice, I see also that your lapses in judgment are not solely your own. You are heading down the path of destruction that I, too, followed long ago. You are still so young, and I cannot bear to be a witness to your demise. You were there. You saw the pain and suffering I endured. Why must you experience it too? Was it not enough that I was brought to my knees? My errors in life need not be yours as well. I’ve spent the greater majority of my life trying to protect you from the evils of this world. Will you throw it all away and allow my efforts to be in vain?

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